Grown Up

My Mother has a theory in regards to becoming a grown-up. She thinks we all pick an age, for her it was 29, and she doesn’t feel older than that. She must sometimes be shocked to see this much older face and body looking back at her.

I’ve had this conversation with many people, actually a good dinner party ice breaker. Most people have an age and a pretty good reason for picking it.

This might explain why so many people have such a tough time reaching the age of 40. The mid-life crisis time period. But maybe they simply picked an age to stay at that was too young. Forever after that, the march of time will appear as a huge disappointment.

I’m not sure I have picked an age yet. I kind of like getting older because I feel a wisdom taking hold. There is a sense of calm under the heat of pressure which I did not experience before. The indecision, sometimes even panic has started to dissipate. This is a nice time for me. Why on earth would I want to be younger? So much self-doubt. Watching others make, what I was convinced were mistakes, but having no experience to frame it with.

But there are moments when I feel like an impostor in my life. I am an interloper who is playing at being grown-up. I’m not responsible enough to own this house? My children can’t be this old already? And then it fades back as quickly as it came.

Emilie Nicholas of Oslo, Norway sings a hauntingly, beautiful song called “grown up“. It reminds that I am grown-up, a parent, a wife, responsible. But, at the same time, there is the distinctly clear memory of the early days, when I was just grown-up, still a kid, really. Those were heady times, filled with firsts of all kinds. It makes me smile to remember them.

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